Crawling Out of Your Skin

A song that I’ve been thinking about a lot today is Sincere Engineer’s “Let You Down.”

The song opens with a short verse and then right into the chorus, letting you know that there is no time for fucking around. That lyrical efficiency and urgency are in direct contrast to the song’s slow and mellow sonic beginnings (though even when it kicks into full gear, “Let You Down” is not a fast ditty). But it is that opening lyric that keeps swimming around in my head.

[Verse]

How often do you think about dying?

Cause it haunts me every time I sleep

So I just stay awake and watch cable TV

[Chorus]

You're the king of bad timing

And I’m the queen of just getting by

I keep you up all night

Cause I don't want to let you down

From the first time I heard the song, the chorus hit home. I am nothing if not the “queen of just getting by” and I never want to let anybody down. Today though, it was the verse and specifically that opening line.

How often do you think about dying? Lately, it’s been a lot.

Another song that grabbed me today was The Ducky Boys’ “A Pretty Bad Year.”

There is a moment in the middle of the song that hit me extra hard today.

I ain't ashamed to say I had a pretty bad year

I felt like a drowning man and nobody cared

I'm a product of the ghosts that are haunting my past

But I wouldn't be me if I didn't have them

I can't escape the storm that's in my head

Then I got to thinking I'd be better off dead

Some days you really can’t escape the storm that’s in your head. Today was certainly one of those days for me.

There were points today when I felt like trying to crawl out of my own skin. I’m so tired. I’m tired of hating myself but the idea of not is anathema to me. I simply can’t fathom it. All the while, I’m drowning and I struggle asking for help because I am not worthy of the people around me. I can’t afford to let them down.

I don’t know. Does anyone?

Maybe Deanna was right all along,

And I said

These are the thoughts I got swimming in my head

And I said

These are the ones that take control and make me wish I was dead

And I said

Maybe this is what it's all about

The world hands you your life

You spend the whole time trying to figure it out