Maybe It's Time for a Change...
In June, I will have been with my current employer for 10 years and, as of August, in my current position for nine. Needless to say, I tend to stay at a job for a long time. Lately though, heck it was actually today while walking into work, I've started to wonder if it might be time for a change.
Here’s the deal, last summer my boss of eight years retired. No matter what was going to happen after that, I knew that things were going to change. Without getting into any great detail, I can tell you that things are different and my stress and anxiety levels are going through the roof. Granted, compared to everything I did prior to working in libraries, this job is still cake. And I have some amazing coworkers, without which things would be really rough.
There is tension between me and my boss that is just bubbling under the surface, seemingly at all times. Maybe I’m just working myself into a shoot and I’m either seeing something that isn’t really there or am making a mountain out of a molehill. Either way, there is constantly this feeling in the air that we both know some shit is gonna go down but neither of us wants to either deal with it or make the first move. Case in point, I haven’t had a one-on-one since December and that one did not end well. Most of my coworkers ask for their one-on-ones but I’m sure as shit not going to bring it up and ask for one.
Something else that frustrates the bejesus out of me, and I recognize that this is probably not fair but it is still how I feel, is that it feels like I do more to keep that place running day-to-day than anyone else. It’s not that my coworkers are slacking, that is obviously my role as the resident Gen Xer, but they have so much that they do that goes beyond the basic tasks and duties required to keep the doors open that so much of that general stuff falls onto my shoulders (mine and the part-time staff). This isn’t the first time that I have played this role but that seemed to change after a longtime member of the full-time staff was let go. Also, Covid caused a lot of disruption in what we did. At first, we were just keeping the doors open, then slowly things like programming returned to the mix, and now things are back to pre-pandemic levels of services offered and then some. We’ve also had a lot of issues with staffing over the last few years but we are not alone in that struggle.
For the longest time, I kept my eyes open for other jobs in the industry, simply to make more money. Then it was decided that all full-time staff that was on this one job grade would be bumped up to the next level. When that happened, I got a nice pay increase and my desire to find another job evaporated. Now…I don’t know.
I hate, hate, HATE looking for a job, so the fact that I even thought about doing so this morning almost stopped me in my tracks. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’ve gained nearly 50 pounds in the last two years, haven’t exercised for shit in months, and am making lots of unhealthy choices. Oh, I’m also depressed as all hell and apparently have ADHD to go along with my depression. Unfortunately, they don’t know if it is the ADHD that is causing the depression or the depression causing the ADHD. What I do know is that I am very, very tired and feel like shit a good chunk of the time. Jesus…am I having a midlife crisis? Hopefully not and it is just your good old-fashioned mental breakdown.
Am I being stupid and self-indulgent with all of this? Am I just looking for attention by airing all my crap out into the cyber void? Probably. It’s just easier for me to talk about this stuff in writing. Sure, I have a therapist but I’m still self-conscious as all hell talking to her. Granted, we’re still in the getting-to-know-you phase of things but saying this stuff out loud makes me feel gross. I think John Moreland said it best —
You said it’s now or never, well I never stop feeling that way
We get turned around, our spirits break down, we just lie and say we’re ok
Hopefully, I’ll get it all figured out at some point but I have my doubts. It would be nice to have a place where I feel comfortable, safe (emotionally), and at home but those times and places are few and far between. As the song says
Maybe I don’t have it in me, maybe it doesn’t have me in it
And if I don’t fly, that’s fine, just let me find the place where I fit