The Ups and Downs of Middle Age

Apr 11

I think most people would agree that the last few years have been hard. Heck, depending on your point of view, things have been rough for a long time, but no matter what your philosophical, political, or spiritual bent might be, the pandemic really threw everything for a loop. Who could have been ready for any of this?

Dusty Rhodes Hard Times GIF - Dusty Rhodes Hard Times Dusty Rhodes Hard Times GIFs

Thankfully, my family and I have made it through this mess relatively unscathed. Or maybe not.

A year ago my mother-in-law passed away. The very next morning, I learned that a dear and beloved coworker had also died. Needless to say, that week sucked. Now, one year and six days after receiving that one-two punch to the gut, I think it is safe to say that I have not properly or truly processed my grief. And, if that wasn’t enough of mortality staring me in the face, I’m dealing with the reality that my parents are getting old and their health isn’t that great (they both turn 77 this year). How in the hell am I supposed to deal with that?

This is the part about being an adult that no one ever prepared me for (though if I am being completely honest, I have never been prepared for any aspect of adulthood). As a general rule, I am pretty in touch with my emotions. If someone referred to me as overly emotional, I probably wouldn’t argue with them. But knowing your emotions and feeling your feelings, doesn’t necessarily mean that you know how to process the really heavy shit.

One of the motos of the Brown family household is “If something breaks, just deal with it.” Meaning, if something goes wrong just work around it and maybe someday get it fixed. We’ve never had a lot of money; at least as adults. Both my wife and I come from middle-class backgrounds but as adults, we have been solidly in the working class. One of the downsides to the paycheck-to-paycheck life is that you can’t really get stuff fixed when it breaks. We have been super fortunate to have people in our lives who have been able to help us out when the fit hit the shan, but that also means that we learned how to make do and get by.

What does any of this have to do with my grief and the fact that I am pretty sure that I am slowly losing my shit? I need help but there’s a really good chance that I will put off getting it. I also have this tendency to put others first. Especially my family. I am far more concerned about taking care of others than I am about taking care of myself. Logically, I know that if I don’t take care of myself, then I can’t take care of the people that I love. I also know that I am not a Vulcan and logic many time, does not win out.

I don’t know why I’m sharing all of this, other than I needed to vent. That and I signed up for Better Help today and realized that I can’t afford it at the moment. Have I mentioned that I SUCK with money? It just feels like everything lately is a struggle. I’m barely getting through the one class that I am taking this semester. I’ve gained 35 pounds in the last year (that’s after dropping a little over 100 pounds since 2017). My focus stinks. I can’t concentrate for shit. And I just feel really gross.

Maybe Lloyd Dobler’s friend Corey was right all along.

— Say Anything… (1989)
“If you start out depressed, everything’s kind of a pleasant surprise.”

How About Something Fun?

Have you seen the trailer for Star Trek: Strange New Worlds?

Doesn’t it look awesome?!? How about some more? Paramont+ also released a series of character trailers leading up to the trailer above and some nice person edited them all together into one mega trailer.