Since last we spoke, the shit has really hit the fan. The morning after I published my last post, I got a call from my brother saying that Dad was in the hospital and might not make it. Luckily, Dad did not drop dead but he’s not in great shape either. At the moment he is responding to medication and is being moved from the ICU.
We spent that whole first day at the hospital—me, my kids, my brother, his wife, and Mom. Since then, my brother and his wife have been taking Mom back and forth to the hospital most days and keeping an eye on her (she’s starting to lose it and it’s not just the stress of the move and Dad almost kicking the bucket that’s causing it). Dad thinks that he is going to get released from the hospital in the next couple of days, but my brother and I both agree that that would be a HORRIBLE FUCKING MISTAKE. He is in no condition to do anything other than rest and Mom is in no condition to take care of him. Especially in a house that is brand new to them that is still not completely unpacked.
Needless to say, this whole situation is a complete and total mindfuck.
What does this have to do with me taking a one-way train to Satantown you ask? Well, if the Jesus people are right, then I’m going to Hell for a multitude of reasons that all pretty much boil down to the fact that while I believe in some type of divinity out there that is beyond our understanding, I don’t think it is the old man on the throne of clouds or his Jewish son who was killed by the authorities for having the audacity to say that we should be kind to each other, running the show. If being a Christian helps someone find solace and be a better, kinder, and more compassionate person then that is awesome. That doesn’t mean that their sacred text holds all of the answers to the universe. None of them do. Not to sound crass, but sacred texts are more-or-less books of fairy tales that teach wonderful lessons and not historical documents or the transcribed word of the lord. So yeah…I’m going to Hell.
Outside of all of that, there are other reasons for my lack of eternal salvation. A big one is the fact that I cannot take care of my aging parents. I don’t have the skills, the patience, time, energy, or resources to do it. I also don’t want to. How shitty is that? Two of my core values are kindness and compassion, yet I am ready to pack up and run for the hills to avoid dealing with all of this shit. While driving home from work tonight, I talked to my brother and his wife and plans for tomorrow, and the next thing I know, I’m lightheaded as fuck, my heart is racing, I’m hot and cold at the same time, and my chest hurts. This crap has just started and I’m already reaching my breaking point (seriously, I haven’t been this stressed since I left working in call centers).
So yeah, I feel all sorts of guilty and like a piece of shit, and yet…
God I need help. Does anyone out there know any good therapists in the OKC Metro area?
Damn man. This is some heavy stuff you are going through right now, and I wish I had some better words.... But I think you're a wonderful man and I wish I knew you better. Everything you say rings true to me. My parents are still relatively young, but man... I'm not going to be able to take care of either or them. I also don't want to either. I'm 42 and I can barely take care of myself. Ya know?
I hope venting helps you get this out and off your chest. I have a ton of shit piling up in my own head and heart these days and I really miss writing like this. There's just too many people who don't get it, the venting on the internet. So thank you for sharing. Keep your head up and let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. Love you.
-D