Have you ever seen the movie Pump Up the Volume? It’s a Christen Slater, 1990 cult classic film about this kid who becomes a pirate radio DJ (Slater) who riles up a Phoenix, AZ suburb with his program that is filled with crude humor, scathing commentary, and some excellent pre-Nirvana boom alternative music. The film’s opening monologue—hell the entire movie, if we’re being honest—is, to this day, shockingly astute and prescient.
This is a movie that I discovered sometime in 1990-1991 and had a massive impact on my life. I studied broadcast journalism because of this film. My affinity toward making podcasts comes directly from the power and influence Pump Up the Volume had on me as a teenager. Heck, my love of cassette tape spine labels comes directly from this movie.
There’s a line in the opening monologue that has taken on a whole new relevance for me lately.
You ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up? You know that feeling that the whole country is like, one inch away from saying, "That's it! Forget it!". I mean, think about it. Everything's polluted. The environment, the government, the schools, you name it. Speaking of schools, I was walking the hallowed halls the other day and I ask myself, "Is there life after high school?" Because I can't face tomorrow, let alone a whole year of this shit. Yeah, you got it, folks. It's me again with a little attitude for all of you out there in Whitebread Land. All you nice people living in the middle of America, the beautiful. Let's see, we're on, uh, 92 FM tonight, and it feels like a nice, clean little band so far. No one else is using it, price is right. And, yes, folks, you guessed it. Tonight, I'm as horny as a ten peckered owl, so stay tuned because this is Hard Harry reminding you to eat your cereal with a fork and do your homework in the dark.
I mean, those first few lines are just as relevant in 2024 as they were in 1990, if not more so. But the line that I keep coming back to is this —
“Because I can't face tomorrow, let alone a whole year of this shit.”
As I’ve mentioned a few different times lately, things with my parents are not great. Thankfully, Dad is out of the hospital and on the mend, so no one is dropping dead in the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, and god this sounds so shitty to say, without the distraction of impending death, all of those other problems come rising back up to the forefront.
Last week there was an incident between my parents and my daughter. I’ll spare you the gory details, but the highlights include my folks grilling my daughter for information on me, dismissing her feelings and opinions about her relationship with them, and my mom grabbing her by the face (the cupping of the cheeks maneuver) as she was trying to leave. Oh, for reference, she stopped over to drop off some of my parents’ mail and an invitation to her wedding.
Needless to say, she was traumatized by the entire interaction. And who wouldn’t be? I mean, that’s a pretty fucked up thing for grandparents to do, right? We’re not the crazy ones here, are we?
As one would expect, I was furious when she told me about what happened. I nearly left work to drive over to their house and yell at them, but I had a program that evening and wouldn’t have made it back in time. Also, as we’ve previously discussed, I’m TERRIBLE with confrontations and probably would have said things that I’d regret later.
So instead I wrote them a letter. I worked on it all last week and had a number of people look it over. My family recommended that I not give it to my parents because 1) they probably wouldn’t actually understand anything I said and just see red, and 2) they’re afraid of some kind of retribution (our house is still in their name and one concern is that they might sell it out from under us). For some dumbass reason, I felt like I needed to try and needed to be heard. They have wondered what is going on with me and where my head is currently, and I saw this as the best way of answering those questions.
The letter itself was respectful but firm. I poured a lifetime of shit onto those pages, but I also tried to be fair. I know that I am to blame for a lot of things (relationships are two-way streets after all), so I included my faults. I talked about my conflicting emotions that go from anxiety to irritation to love to guilt to shame and nearly everything in between. I also tried to work in counters to what I anticipated some of their responses would be. The feedback that I received was all productive and positive (thank the heavens I know some great people!).
Then I dropped it off…
I tried so hard to just step in for a moment, hand over the letter, and leave but goddammit that’s not how things went down. Things started to go off the rails when Mom asked if they would be getting a letter like this from my daughter. I told her no and that they had basically ruined that relationship. That was met with scoffs and attempts to shift blame and avoid responsibility, which I immediately shut down. At that point, Dad pulled his newest signature move and started to walk away to which I responded with “Don’t you blow me off” to which he followed up with “Don’t you talk to me like that buddy” (or it might have been buster…I can’t remember). I turned to leave, but Mom followed and continued to say things like “I don’t understand” and “We have seen more than you can imagine” (bitch please, it’s not like you two went off to Vietnam or were deep in the drugged out peace movement). She also tried to blame the incident with my daughter on her overreacting, to which I responded that was her point of view, that my daughter had a different one, and that both were valid (she didn’t understand this concept).
The one that really pissed me off was “Did the psychiatrist put this in your head” (or it might have been “Did the psychiatrist put you up to this”…again I can’t remember). That’s when I told her that she was again blowing off my concerns about my mental health. There was also a bit about me being broken—which I had to spell out (I mean it’s pretty obvious…I have one fucking hand for Christ's sake)—and the toll that has taken on me. She immediately blew that off, and brought up my second-grade teacher who also had one hand and was a “good person” (I wonder what she might have been implying?). She then told me that the only person beating me down was me. (Why did I do this again?) She also said that they were not the enemy (which I never said they were, for the record) and repeated that she did not understand.
Growing up, I was a good kid. I’m sure some of that was a subconscious desire to not give my parents any trouble since they got so much of it from my brother. There was always affection in the house and generally speaking, we had a pretty good relationship. Over the years we talked about all sorts of stuff and thus Mom seems to think that she knows everything about me.
Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon.
No one tells their parents everything. Nor should they. Jesus, the amount of shit that I have kept from my parents over the years is staggering. One, I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about everything. Two, it’s not appropriate for me to talk to her about everything. If you are a parent and you think that your kids tell you everything, 99.999% you are fucking delusional. Sure we all say “You can tell me anything” but that is simply not true. The difference between me and people like my parents is that I don’t get offended by this fact of life. The arrogance to think that your kids tell you everything. Get the fuck outta here with that nonsense. Seriously, who do you think you are?
I’ve come to recognize that I really don’t know my parents all that well. They have never been one to share a lot of details about their time as a couple or their life as kids outside of a handful of fairly innocuous and ambiguous stories. What I know about them is almost entirely based on my memories. I would not presume to claim to know what or how they think, why they do what they do, or what drives and guides them. But, I can draw conclusions based on previous actions. As it turns out, I should have listened to those predictions and just not bothered with any of this.
Oh, and the kicker out of all of this…they’re moving back to Florida. I wonder who could have seen that coming?
These people give me whiplash. They’ve so often told me how amazing and special I am, yet they grill their granddaughter to get information on me like I’m some kind of drug dealer. They tell me that I am so smart and wise yet grant me zero agency, don’t listen to my opinions, and talk to me like I am beneath them (to be fair, that last part is more of a Dad thing). I’m beginning to think that they were far more traumatized by having to bail my brother out of jail, finding him in the hospital, and all of the other crap that comes with having a drug addict for a teenager. Otherwise, why would they be so distrustful and judgemental? Why would they not give people the benefit of the doubt? Why would they treat me like this?
I can’t even begin to figure them out and at this point, I’m not going to try. I’m done with the guilt trips. I’m done with the shame. I’m done with not being trusted. I’m done with not being forgiven for past mistakes. I’m done with having to apologize to people for their behavior (the number of times I have had to apologize for Dad’s behavior after he went off on someone in a store or behind a counter is ridiculous).
If they cannot recognize their part in these relationships or how their behavior affects other people or just acknowledge that their point of view isn’t the end all and be all truth, then I am done. Truth be told, I should have never said anything and just ghosted them, but the thought of doing that makes me feel guilty. Even if our relationship is forever ruined, at least I didn’t leave them hanging. What they do with all of it is now up to them.
Oh and if you think I’m out to lunch on any of this, please let me know. I’m no expert in any of this shit and certainly not the sharpest pencil in the box, so lord knows I could use all the help I can get.
Oh a happier note, there’s an episode of One Band, 5 Songs that I dedicated to Pump Up the Volume, the film, and its soundtrack.
First off, we've been Internet buddies for YEARS! How did i just figure out you only have one hand?!?! I guess that's like a newer friend of mine being surprised when they found out i have a dead little sister. I just don't talk about it much anymore. But still..... Ha
Also, Pump up the Volume is a HUUUUGE influence on me too. ❤️
And parents? I think it's a generational thing, too. My mother is very much like this as well, or was. She's gotten better, but she was once a loving caring left leaning lady who after her mother died in 2000, and then 9/11... She shifted into this Right Winger using casual racism in conversations with me....
She thinks she has all the answers. She'll listen to any story of mine, only to but in and give me all the worst advice. Advice that worked for her 20 years ago. These are people who grew up and knew what the world was, Black And White. Their worldview is absolutely right, and it has to be. It couldn't possibly be any other way, but the way they experience.
Where we have grown up in a completely different world than they did, even if both those worlds existed side by side from each other. We understand things are much more fluid, full of change and what worked 20 years ago no longer works now because the world is so very different, yet people from that generation and other close minded people are just stuck in this worldview that the way they see the world is the way it really is. It's so interesting.
The letter was a good idea. Giving it to them? Probably not the best idea, but i would have done it too. I would have given it, and gave written similar things to my parents in the past. Sometimes it's about burning things down. Getting things out of your head. Getting it off your soul.
It sucks you are going through all this. You're an adult being treated like a child. Still. Again. Some more. But that's not your fault and you did try. You did so much more than a lot of people would have. I hope when you look back you can see all the wins you made with them. And good on you for standing up for yourself and family and trying to get them to understand. But they're not going to understand. It's so strange, but as i said, I've seen it too in my life.
Love you friend. Good luck with this, but I think you're doing great. ❤️
I originally followed your podcast because it had Oklahoma in the tile so it feels strange to actually be responding with relationship (parental) advice. If I have it correct, they essentially abandoned you and took off to Florida and there was no really practical way to insure regular, periodic contact. I realize you were an adult at the time, but that doesn’t really matter, does it? When you talk about them, it doesn’t sound like you are talking about people you are family-ar with (pardon the grammatical license).
The letter was a bad idea. Not writing it, that was good, you got things out of your head, but giving it. The only thing, I think, that is really going to help is time. You have to spend time getting to know each other again. They shouldn’t have to ask your daughter about you, this means you should be more forthright. I suspect they would like to have a good relationship with her as well, but until it is fixed with you, that ain’t happening.
Sorry to hear they are talking about heading back to Florida. Who they became there may seem simpler and more authentic than the mess they left behind in Oklahoma. You really never can run away from your problems, but you can get far enough away that you don’t have to think about them as long as the TV is running in the background.
Take all of this with a grain of salt. I can’t really know, but I stumbled across your story and you invited comment so as I’m sitting here with my first cup of coffee waiting on the snow I thought I’d send tidings of ‘chill motherfucker’ your way.
The only way out is through. You and they may not be happy with the changes that happened during the great absence. There is probably truth coming from both sides. You and your parents are going to have to forge a new relationship with strangers in order to have access to the people they remember. Slow and calm. I say this having read that your mom is a bit histrionic and your dad arrogant and brusque. I’ll end with a lyric from the same time, “Just a little patience”.